View Full Version : On a brighter note - Part deux
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day".
A guy owns a horse farm. One day a friend goes to visit him and he tell's that , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.
Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"
The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"
The Dwarf replies "A female horth"
The owner shows him a Mare.
"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.
"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"
Thanque
nice one Thanque, gonna have that image running around my head all day mind ya !!!.
Vomandor
20-07-2006, 11:05
Heck,
I'm a Dwarf, and even I'm laughing at that one!
Nice one Thanque.
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.
The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.
"I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition.
You have to have sex with me when I ask."
She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.
So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.
Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells "STOWAWAY!"
Scared she explains: "Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!"
"No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess, trying to eat the ice cream with his little flippers.
After finishing his cold treat, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it’s just ice cream."
Since there's a dwarf that can't fing a barbarian joke here goes one:
A barbarian walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of ale. After he's finished those, he orders 9. Some time later he order 8. Later 7 more, then 6, then 5, then 4.
By the time he has just ordered 3 pints, one of the other patrons steps up to him and asks: "why do you order your drinks like this?"
The barbarians answers: "Haven't you noticed: the less I drink, the more drunk I get!"
Thanque
The first mate on a ship runs to the captain, shouting, "Captain, Captain! There's a pirate ship off the starboard bow!"
The captain calmly looks at the mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings him a red shirt and they fight their way to victory.
About a week later, the first mate again comes running to the captain. "Captain! There are two pirate ships off the port bow, approaching fast!"
Again, the captain simply replies, "Bring me my red shirt," and again they fight their way to victory.
That evening, the crew is celebrating, the first mate asks the captain, "Sir, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we are being attacked by pirates?"
The captain says, "It is for the crew's morale. If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt will show no blood, and the crew will be assured that I am standing strong to lead the way to victory." The first mate nods in understanding and walks away.
A couple of weeks later, the first mate again comes running up to the captain, out of breath and very frightened. "Captain! There are ten pirate ships approaching, and they are almost upon us, sir!"
The captain looks calmly at the first mate and shouts, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Two dwarves, Cearmac and Vezzin, are travelling across the Great Sea in a rather large ship. Although initially apprehensive at first, they settle down as the first two weeks of the voyage are pretty uneventful. Then the third week comes, and, bang, pirate attack. Somehow the dwarves manage to get into one of the life boats.
So the two dwarves are floating along, and they notice a crate from one of the ship's holds next to their little boat. They manage to pull it aboard, and using a dagger, crack it open. Inside is a small lamp. On a lark, Ceamac pulls it out and rubs it.
Poof. A Djinni appears and gratefully tells Cearmac that for freeing him, he will now grant him one wish.
Cearmac thinks for a moment, and then says "I wish the sea were full of fine dwarvish ale."
The Djinni bows, and the wish is granted. Overjoyed, Cearmac starts scooping the ale up from over the side of the boat and guzzling it out of his helm. After a bit he notcies that Vezzin isn't drinking any.
"Say, Vezzin, what's the problem?"
"Cearmac, you bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat."
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
A dragon's favorite recipe list.
Barbequed barbarian.
Fricaseed fighter
Sauteed sorceror
Roasted rogue
Marinated Mage
Cream of Cleric
Dash of Druid
Poached Paladin
Raw Ranger.
Roast SLOWLY....
There is a new Commander of a base, and the Captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the Commander looks at the Captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What is that used for?"
The Captain replies, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the Commander in disgust.
Two weeks pass, the Commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the Captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The Captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The Commander replies, "Put me down for two o'clock then."
At two o'clock the following day the Commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.
A minute later the Captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the Captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"
what do u say to an ogre with a nice looking woman on his arm ??
nice tatoo. :roll:
ill try harder next time i promise.
Grymes
A Cleric somehow gets separated from his party deep inside a cave. Turning around a dark corner, he bumps into a fairly good sized black dragon. Frightened out of his wits, he drops to his knees and starts praying. Oddly, the dragon does the same. The cleric leaps up, dancing, shouting "I'm saved!" The dragon cocks his head and says, "No, you don't understand...I'm saying 'Grace.'
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
An Irish quiz
Q/ what Irishman invented shampoo.
A/ Tim O'Tay.
Q/ what Irishman invented the petrol container.
A/ Jerry Cann.
Q/ name a famous Irish axe murderer.
A/ Tom O'hawk.
Q name 2 famous gay Irishmen.
A/ Micheal Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmicheal.
Q/what Irishman discovered rice.
A/ Paddy Feilds.
there was 2 Irishmen working in the road.one looked up at the sky and said"the moons bright to night".the othere one says"thats not the moon thats the sun .u idiot".so they start to argue about it.5 minutes later Paddy comes walking down the road and they call him over."ok Paddy , can u sort out this issue for us.is that the sun or the moon up there.Paddy looks up and then back at the 2 guys and says"sorry i cant help u there lads i dont live around here" :roll:
disclaimer: im sorry if u r Irish and offended by these jokes.i do appoligize as i like my knee caps were they r :twisted:
Grymes
A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are.
A very bulky, very mean-looking dwarf in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of dwarfs and saying we're stupid."
The bard begins to apologize for offending the dwarf.
The dwarf says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-ass sitting in your lap."
Group of adventurers, an elf, a human and a dwarf has been taken prisoners and punished by whipping, 20 strokes each.
The torturer asks what the victim wants to his back before whipping.
First is human. "I take water", he states. Some water is poured onto the mans back and twenty strokes are hitted.
The elf is second. Proydly he states: "I take the oil" and some oil is poured on his back before strokes are hitted.
The dwarf is last. With loud voice he announces: "I take the elf"
"What's the difference between a cowardly, sniveling goblin and a heroic elf using deadly hit and run tactics? About 3 feet."
"What's the differences between a madman who lives in caves covered in bat poop and a mighty wizard. A small amount of sulphur."
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
A Human, a Dwarf, an Barbarian and an Elf each reached the mouth to the cave of an ancient red dragon. This dragon had been ravaging the country-side of each race's kingdom and they were each sent to slay it.
The Human drew his sword and charged headlong in screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.
The Barbarian brandished his axe and charged headlong in yelling, "For my bretheren!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.
The Dwarf then pulls a jar full of Black Lotus extract from his backpack, jams it in the elf's belt and pushes him into the cave screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!!!"
... reached the mouth to the cave of an ancient red dragon...
Is this the 'crab dragon'??!!
Sry, but just a private joke for some portuguese D&D players :twisted:
Things you wont read in tells.
Arimor saying "ive been harvesting for 30 mins i havent had a rare"
Thanques saying "ive been harvesting for 30 mins and i HAVE found a rare"
Grymes/Kero saying " i only have to mezz a mob once as no one will AOE or hit it"
Genagen saying " please welcome Afro back into the guild"
all the guild saying " woot good to see u back Afro m8"
Gunhead saying " i hate doing writs"
im sure theres more but u can add your own :D
Grymes
Things you wont read in tells.
im sure theres more but u can add your own :D
Grymes
Grymes saying: WoT a raid I'm in (jumping on the chair)... :P
Nubo saying: "DING level 70"
A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Dwarf are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree.
When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!"
The Guardsmen, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!"
The Guardsmen, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Dwarf is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Dwarf thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
Now something nasty: :P
A beggar walks into a tavern and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at the other patrons and grins evilly "Suuure I'll even give you a drink on the house. You just have to do one thing first."
"Whats that?" said the beggar.
"See that spittoon over there? If you take one sip from it, I'll give you a beer, on the house!"
So the beggar shuffles over to the spittoon picks it up, and proceeds to take a drink. Much to the disgust and horror of the bartender and the other patrons, the beggar doesn't stop at a sip, he downs the whole awful thing without stopping for a breath!. "Gods man, I said take a sip, not drink the whole thing!"
"I couldn't help it, it was all in one stream."
There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''
Vomandor
21-08-2006, 20:53
An middle aged monk was recovering from illness while being looked after in the local convent, an unusual move perhaps, but the best solution they could think of at the time...
One day a Novice Nun went into the Monk's chamber to bring him his breakfast. Uopn entering the room, she noticed a "tent-like" shape in the middle of the bed-clothes. She asked "Why, what ever on Earth is that?"...
The Monk replied, why, that my child is the key to heaven on Earth, and you have the lock. All we have to do is put my key into your lock, and we will experience heaven on earth!
About an hour later the Novice Nun is walking down the stairs trying to straighten her habbit and looking more than a little flushed, when, she bumps into the Mother Superior.
Mother Superior says "My dear child, what ever has happened to you?", to which the Novice replies, Oh! Mother Superior! I have just experienced Heaven on Earth!
The Mother Superior says "Hmmm... this wouldn't have anything to do with a key and a lock, now, would it?". The Novice replies "Why Yes, Mother Superior, how did you know?". "Right!", "Leave it to me!" said the Mother Superior, who proceeded to run up the stairs to the monks chamber. On reaching the door, she bursts into his room, only to see him with another tent in the bed. She shouts "and just what do you think that is!" to which he replies...
"Now that, Mother Superior, is the second comming..."
Regards
Vommy.
Vomandor
23-08-2006, 15:51
Situation...
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the horse and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
Regards
Vommy.
There is a new Commander of a base, and the Captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the Commander looks at the Captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What is that used for?"
The Captain replies, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the Commander in disgust.
Two weeks pass, the Commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the Captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The Captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The Commander replies, "Put me down for two o'clock then."
At two o'clock the following day the Commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.
A minute later the Captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the Captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"
Not EQ related, but still funny....(You might need to be American/ in a country with a lot of different religions to fully get it though)
Nothing much else is newsworthy except that squirrels overran the three churches in town last month.
After much prayer, the elders of the Presbyterian church decided that the animals were predestined to be there, and who were they to interfere with God's will?
Soon, the squirrels multiplied…
The council of the Episcopalian church decided that they could not harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town.
Next day, the squirrels were back…
The pastor and the deacon of the Catholic church baptized the squirrels and registered them as parishioners.
Now they'll only see them at Christmas and Easter…
http://eq2.mafoo.org/images/host/ftw-21.jpg
Vomandor
13-09-2006, 16:43
Uh-oh
Us Dwarves have been sussed out!
Regards
Vomandor (the clean living/thinking Dwarf) Bright'Shadow.
p.s. and if you believe my thoughts are clean... and you look like the ladies in that group...come group with me <grin>
I think thisone even a dwarf can understand... :P
An Ogre Love Poem
Ugha
Mah
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
*Belch*
You
...um...
Eyes
...um...
Love
...uhhhhhhhhh...
MAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
From:
Ugha Ugha, Ugha
Thanque
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Vomandor
25-09-2006, 10:07
As a socially responsible Dwarf, I recognise a drinking problem when I see one...
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-3/1164992/DrinkingProblem.jpg
Regards
Vommy.
http://www.nozzman.com/images/edities/8.gif
What is the difference between a Dwarven wedding and a Dwarven funeral?
One less drunk.
An dwarf walked into the Inn of the Queynos Harbor. He ordered three pints of ale, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The Bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The dwarf replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is on Maj'dull, the other in Freeport, and I'm here in Queynos. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The Bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The dwarf became a regular at the Inn, and always drank the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The dwarf looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A man walks into his house with a sheep under his arm, wanders up stairs into the bedroom where his wife is lying in bed.
The man says, "This is the pig I've been shagging while you were away".
The wife says "That isn't a pig, it's a sheep".
The man says "I wasn't talking to you"
After the huge success of the Chuck Norris facts (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/), now specially for the '24' fans (like myself) I give you...
Jack Bauer facts (http://www.twentyfour.tv/jackbauer/index.php?tophundred):
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
A traveling mage stands in the marketplace and offers to sell a Potion of Long Life.
"Take me for instance," he says to the crowd. "I'm over 300 years old!"
One audience member whispers to the mage's apprentice: "is he really that old?"
"I don't know," replies the apprentice. "I've only been working for him about 150 years."
Vomandor
12-10-2006, 10:01
A Barbarian warrior was getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his local healer, who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the healer refers him to an Elf Shaman.
The Shaman says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123', and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The Warrior then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The Shaman replies: "All you or your woman have to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year,"
The warrior rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night, he slides into bed, cuddles up to his woman and says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic thing-a-me-bob stonker ever, just as the Shaman promised.
The lady in question looks at the stonker and says, " That's fantastic! But what did you say '123' for?
Regards
Vommy.
Vomandor
12-10-2006, 10:41
Hi,
This is a web site which runs graphic art and photography competitions. Here's one entitled "One Letter Off" where people have altered movie titles to make funny interpretations...
http://www.worth1000.com/cache/contest/contestcache.asp?contest_id=12316&display=photoshop#entries
Regards
Vomandor.[/url]
http://www.nozzman.com/images/edities/36.gif
Why Men are stupid :)
> > > WIFE:
> > > What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > Definitely not!
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > Why not - don't you like being married?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > Of course I do.
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > Then why wouldn't you remarry?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > Okay, I'd get married again.
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > (makes audible groan).
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > Would you live in our house?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > Sure, it's a great house.
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > Would you sleep with her in our bed?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > Where else would we sleep?
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > Would you let her drive my car?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > Probably, it is almost new
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > Would you replace my pictures with hers?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > That would seem like the proper thing to do.
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > Would she use my golf clubs?
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > No, she's left-handed.
> > >
> > > WIFE:
> > > - - silence - -
> > >
> > > HUSBAND:
> > > F**k
Sunset,
Are you a card carrying member of Greenham Common? :lol:
Ari
Well 8) thet would be telling :twisted:
Vomandor
20-11-2006, 09:50
Lesson for today............
Subject: The English language . . . . .
IF YOU SPEAK ENGLISH, YOU'VE GOT BRAINS, FOR SURE!
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on.
If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!!
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the
brave.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
Pursue at your leisure, English lovers (and use as evidence, all those who hate it)
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France
(Surprise!).
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea or is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out
you're married,
explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis,
or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
a man says to his wife "ok if u r so clever tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"
so the wife thinks for a moment and replys"u r great in bed,but not as good as ya brother"
LMAOOOOOO
Grymes!!!!! rofllll
http://www.nozzman.com/images/edities/103.gif
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
(Hope this translates well in Europe. In US, stamps have different denominations (values) for different types of mail.) )
lol aye Arn ;) over here it is called class
first class post which is one to two days or second class which can take three to four days sometimes more if you live in our street :(
then you hav the basic carrier pidgeon which can take from a month to never - depends if the farmer was quick enuff loadin his gun :twisted:
http://www.gucomics.com/comics/gu_20061130.jpg
HeHeHe Check out this little game :) Most people hate sprouts! Why is that?
http://www.eyegas.com/xmas05/
Hmm not sure why it won't copy as a link (because i am a girl) but the music on it is really really funny
Sunny
Goddamit now it is a link grrrr
Vomandor
15-12-2006, 19:16
Heh,
Great game.... Score 620 on 1st attempt... beat that, go in, try, I dare you!
Regards
Vommy.
Vomandor
20-12-2006, 21:26
Ack!
For heavens sakes, don't tell the kids, but... I think Santa may be late this year!
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-3/1164992/oopssanta.jpg
ROFLMAO
Vomandor.
A blonde was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said,
"Never mind. I found one." :roll:
thats just typical smut from a degenerate daughter of mine sorry folks
a good looking iksar,an inteligent barbie and Santa were walking through Norrath when they found a master chest laying on the ground.which one of them looted it....
Santa as the other 2 dont exist :roll:
Grymes
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test for Dementia.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something
else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the
next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
why are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall,Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines
fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before
he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's
land" between East Germanyand We st Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own
name?
It was YOU!!
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
Colonelfin
19-01-2007, 17:25
hiyaah, i looted today mythical item first time, it is called "Circlet of david hasselhoff, *applies KITT when equipped *speed +300"
Vomandor
19-01-2007, 19:44
hiyaah, i looted today mythical item first time, it is called "Circlet of david hasselhoff, *applies KITT when equipped *speed +300"
Watch you didn't get the bugged version of that, when you inspect it, the small print will say KARR (Knight Automated Roving Robot)... what one procs "Pain in the neck" and "suicidal tendancies" :P
Vommy.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many
> kinds of boobs are there?
>
> The father, surprised, answers, "Well son,there are three kinds of
> breasts.
>
> In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
> In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
> After 50, they are like onions".
>
> Onions?
>
> "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
>
> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how
many
> kinds of 'willies' are there?"
>
> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through
> three phases.
>
> In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard./* In his
30s
> and
> 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
> After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree"./*
>
> "A Christmas tree?"
>
> "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
A RPG gamer died and he is sent into the hell.
After one week, the Lucipherus, boss of the Hell, phoning st. Peter...
"...Peter, old friend, is there any possibility to get Mr. Gamer out of the hell? Please...In this special special case...I'll appreciate it so much..."
"May be...but why???"
"Ahhh...I feeling little bit embarrassed...He killed all my devils a daemons, looted all our treasures even in secret storerooms (which he found with ease) and now he running around empty hell, searching for something he call "access to 2nd level of dungeon"..."
Vomandor
02-02-2007, 18:48
Hehe
Nice one Gunhead, very funny.
Well, with 666 Layers to the Abys, that adventurer'll be level 70 for sure before he pops out the top... anyone trying to recruit to Shadow'Wind - tee-hee
Regards
Vomandor.
http://www.cad-comic.com/comics/20070205.jpg
Two women had gone for a girl's night out and had gotten somewhat over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
Neither one of them had anything to wipe with.
One of the women thought she would take off her knickers and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of knickers and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to use that.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
"These girly nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no knickers!"
"That's nothing" the other husband replied, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2007/20070302.jpg
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2007/20070307.jpg
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2007/20070511.jpg
That are you trying to say?
That I'm currently the guy on the right in EQ2 ;)
Vomandor
11-05-2007, 13:35
Hey
The one on the left... kinda reminds me of Nubo ;)
Regards
Vomandor.
That I'm currently the guy on the right in EQ2 ;)
I just see 3 empty posts.. must be my shiny new web filter at work.
It's been a while since someone posted here.
Now for something completely different:
A nice story about how a scammer gets owned.. (http://419eater.com/html/okorie.htm)
I know it's a long read, but it's definately worth it :)
Also be sure to check out the rest of the articles on that website. Priceless material!
This one (http://419eater.com/html/bigman.htm) is even better (except for the tattoo part).
The scambaiter (my hero!) actually gets the guy to make a sculpture and a video and send it to him.
Wow, does this bring back memories or what? :)
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2007/20070704.jpg
Teddy Ruxpin. Hmm its vague. Nope not sure i remember it :P
Aquarius
10-08-2007, 23:52
Things you wont read in tells.
"Wow, the raid started early."
Aquarius
11-08-2007, 00:17
Did you hear about the barmaid who became a Warden?
She thought she'd get knock-up protection...
How can you spot a loyal Freeport citizen?
His head is attached to his body.
What's the difference between a fay and an arasai?
One of them is constantly tormenting people with their high-pitched, whiny voices and flapping their wings in their faces. The other one lives in Neriak.
Did you know Freeport had a food shortage? The Overlord solved it quickly by putting the ratonga and the kerra in the same village...
Aquarius
16-08-2007, 13:04
Been looking for a nice gift to give your poor neglected spouse? The answer (http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2007/08/14/video_game.gif) may lie closer than you think.
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/08/14/video_game.gif
P.S. For some reason I couldn't get the above URL to show as an in-line image. And I've managed it before. I promise!
lol, if only that was true in my case :)
Use the link below, but don't enlarge window, I found it interesting :)
http://users.telenet.be/kixx/
lol - for 2 mins i was thinking there was something wrong with my browser it was shrinking and growing and moving then i realized. You know me slow on the uptake.
hahaha.. entertained my whole office - thanks!
:D
http://gucomics.com/comics/2007/gu_20070824.jpg
For those of you that watch Naruto:
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/070821.jpg
Quelleren
28-08-2007, 21:03
http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com/Divx%20links/LOTR.html
hahaha, I saw a flashvideo once, but didn't know this one existed
awesome :D
http://lolcats.com/images/u/07/24/lolcatsdotcoms3kwbhne1tnopgui.jpg
http://www.citynoise.org/upload/940.jpg
Aquarius
19-09-2007, 13:08
Raze says: I'm so tired of all these 'Hails' everywhere. 'Hail' Antonia. 'Hail' the Overlord. 'Hail' Knight-Captain Embers. 'Hail' Fluffy the Cat. Did people get their thumb stuck to the 'H' button? I wish I could do this:
http://archive.lfgcomic.com/lfg0070.gif
http://gucomics.com/comics/2007/gu_20070925.jpg
Aquarius
26-09-2007, 15:50
Hey! Why did he get a Shield of Sparrow Deflection, when I only got some pants with a fear proc? :mad:
http://www.giantitp.com/Images/bcx/MagicItems006.gif
Aquarius
03-10-2007, 11:09
Poor guy.
http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20070831.jpg
(I tried to make the image appear inside this message, but Ducques must have disabled it for me after seeing my last few posts ;-p )
hehe.. this is the location of the image, try to place that one between IMG tags :)
http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20070831.jpg
Aquarius
03-10-2007, 11:38
Doh! I tried to inline the page! What a n00b mistake!
Aquarius
03-10-2007, 11:49
EQ2 may have it flaws, but at least the armour sets look cool! ;)
http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/52/ogreillusionisttv4.jpg
Aquarius
12-10-2007, 13:21
Stolen from the SoE forums:
Q: How many Rangers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to watch out for green cons.
Aquarius
13-10-2007, 00:56
You know you've played too much EQ2 (http://forums.station.sony.com/eq2/posts/list.m?topic_id=386060) when...
OMG I nearly wee'd my pants. See below. It has been circulated under the
heading of best complaint letter ever.
TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm)
or Dry-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time
for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman
Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."
Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during
a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For
the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? - Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly
miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Aquarius
17-10-2007, 14:03
- Why do trolls feel so rich?
- They have more money than they can count.
Aquarius
26-10-2007, 14:29
One of those forum threads (http://forums.station.sony.com/eq2/posts/list.m?topic_id=353484) I can't read at work because my cow-orkers will start wondering why I'm covering my face in my hands while making funny noises.
Aquarius
26-10-2007, 14:32
- Your God Pet is showing!
- That's not my god pet. But thank you!
- Well hello there! Did someone give you a Stamina buff, or are you just glad to see me?
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/071025.jpg
Aquarius
31-10-2007, 10:45
I don't understand the alternative ending... did someone plant a trap for Mario? And who's the cat girl?
The cat girl, is just a VG cats character. But she is holding the gun from the game Portal, with which you can create portals to go places you can't normally reach.
I'm guessing the cake was a lie and he couldn't get out anymore :)
Aquarius
31-10-2007, 11:40
Cool :)
A husband and wife were scheduled to attend a
Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and
told her husband to go to the Halloween Party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested,
But she argued and said she was going to take some
Aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
Good time to be spoiled by her not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,
Woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to
The party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she
Thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
How he acted when she was not with him. So she joined
The party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting
around On the dance floor, dancing with every hot 'chick' he could
And copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His
Wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
He left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to
Her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he
Was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a
Little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
Went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the
Back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away
And went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
Wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his
Outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he
Came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old
Thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
There.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll
Tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
Met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guy, so we went into the
Spare room and played poker all evening. 'You must have
Looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!'
She said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, Apparently he had the
time of his life'.
Hahahahahahaha, PRICELESS!!!
Aquarius
03-11-2007, 22:01
Great one!
http://cad-comic.com/comics/20071107.jpg
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2007/20071109.jpg
ROFL if only i could get my gear that way in RL .
Grymes (still the best looking dwalf in Norrath)
Aquarius
09-11-2007, 19:29
ROFL if only i could get my gear that way in RL .
You can :)
Aquarius
30-11-2007, 15:51
http://www.thenoobcomic.com/images/20071125.jpg
Aquarius
15-01-2008, 14:21
- How do you make a hardcore guild jump off Veeshan's Peak ?
- You say, "Can the best one of you please take a step forward?"
LOL where did u hear that one? Or did you just make it up?
Aquarius
16-01-2008, 00:26
Just made it up.
Vomandor
18-01-2008, 21:12
- How do you make a hardcore guild jump off Veeshan's Peak ?
- You say, "Can the best one of you please take a step forward?"
Now thats damned funny.
did u know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
did u know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
Yes, actually I did...
http://www.gucomics.com/comics/2008/gu_20080529.jpg
LOL. Not a reference to AoC by any chance? xD
:D
http://www.gucomics.com/comics/2008/gu_20080605.jpg
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